(For entertainment purposes only.)
The following story is based on real fake events. For confidentially reasons, I will be addressing my client as Alice.
25TH OF DECEMBER, 1990
Alice awakened early that morning to the smell of gingerbread and to the sounds of ripped wrapping paper. Her brother Charles already had opened all of his gifts and began to play as children do. Alice was late for the holiday morning ritual. The clocks read six am. She ran down the stairs and straight into the dining room. “Where is it?” There was no time for hugs or a proper greeting for her family. Of all the gifts that she would receive, she was only truly excited about one. She didn’t offhand see a tall box but she ripped open the boxes with pure anticipation. Perhaps, it folded up well enough to fit into a midsize box. She stared at the dolls, the clothing and the roller skates. Then she stared at the roller skates, the clothing and the dolls. The dolls owned a light blue jeep and a brown horse with a long white tail. Alice frowned after she pictured herself combing the horses’ thin hair. She would place the dolls and the horse in the jeep and drive them off of a cliff or worse. She would never forget this day. The day that her Christmas list failed her. The day that her parents failed her. The day she didn’t get her Lego house. She hoped that her brother was truly unhappy behind his glee but he got everything that he wanted that Christmas. The lego house had been featured in a catalog book that year but her parents couldn’t order it or find it in the store, so they said. It would have been better for Alice to think that Santa had let her down rather than her own parents. Alice grew up getting whatever she wanted from her parents except of course for the lego house. Even decades later, she still wanted to resolve the issue. She needed to get her hands on the lego house and finally forgive her parents for their gifting failure.
I had scored a wealthy client. I needed a big payday to compensate for all the hours that I hadn’t worked. I reminded Alice that I am a Life Assistant, not a therapist or a toy expert. She wanted me to use the word Legox since the real brand name made her feel so deprived. I met Alice at her huge home in the Gold Coast. I brought a female friend Donna with me to assistant me and be my witness in case this assignment got any weirder. To get my full pay, we needed to locate this legox house from 1990. To my horror, Alice didn’t remember what it looked like or exactly what catalog book it had been in. I had Donna call Alice’s parents to see if they had any information because frankly I didn’t want to call them myself. I googled Legox houses and showed Alice pictures online to see if any might look familiar to her. No luck. Donna and I visited Alice’s brother, who was in a drug rehab for a week. He said that his gifts were all ordered from a special Toys R Us catalog, which made perfect sense to us. He believed that the legox house had been sold out way before Christmas. He also said that his grade school friend Grayson had the exact Legox house in 1990 that we were looking for. Bingo, I thought. According to Grayson Peter’s social media pages, he was a well-known toy collector who lived in Beverly Hills. So Donna, Alice and I promptly hopped on a first-class morning flight to sunny California.
GRAYSON PETERS’ TOY DISPLAY ROOM-PETERS’ RESIDENCE-BEVERLY HILLS CALIFORNIA
Grayson wearing a cabbage patch kid t-shirt dramatically opened the door to his display room. “You’ve probably seen me on television a few times. All of the toys are still in their original boxes and sealed.”
Donna pointed to a fraggle rock figurine. “Wow! That’s amazing and you never played with any of these?”
“Nope.” Grayson waved his hand in front of Alice’s face to get her attention. “Follow me, back here is the Lego section.”
“We would prefer that you use the word Legox, in front of Alice.” I scanned the shelves for a legox house but nothing jumped out at me. “We are willing to pay any amount of money for the exact Legox house that she wants.”
Grayson kept walking towards the back of the room. “Sure, it’s here. I just have to find it.”
Alice’s eyes zoomed in on her target, the legox house. She took it down from the shelf and placed the unopened box on the floor. “Mine. Mine!”
“I think she found it.” I was relieved and about to get paid. “She will write you a check.”
“Is she alright?”Grayson asked. “She seems a little possessed.”
Alice aggressively opened the box. Donna was busy scoping out the other vintage toys. “These must be worth alot of money today, huh?”
Alice pulled out a pink handled polka-dotted hammer from her purse and began to attack the legox house’s roof with it. The legox house began to crumble at her feet. I was glad that she didn’t scream out- if I can’t have you no one can.
Donna backed out of the room. “I’ll just wait outside. Give you three some space.”
Grayson thought of calling the police but didn’t want to ruin his reputation with his neighbors. Also, it was pretty clear that Alice had suffered enough already due to this Legox house’s existence. Grayson grabbed a dustpan and a broom and gave them to me. “This has happened in here before. She can have whatever is left of it. Just don’t bring her back here again.”
I quickly made peace with my current reality. My client was sitting on the floor with mascara and black eyeliner running down her face. “Alice, you can take it home for free. You finally have your legox house.”
Alice laughed at me.
“What’s so funny, Alice? We came all the way out here for this. ” I took the hammer from her.
Alice stood up. She placed one small, red patio brick in her pocket. “No. I needed you to find it so I could destroy it. And I did!”
Donna stood in the doorway, looking quite bewildered. “You know what… I think I’m gonna take a later flight back. I’m going to go by the beach and think about my life for a couple of hours. Yes, that’s what I’m gonna do. Don’t worry about me at all.”
Well, this is still better than working my old 9 to 5 in corporate America. I was extremely well paid for my assisting work, though next time I will immediately check Alice for weapons. I have a strange feeling that she will be happier now, so I did my job above and beyond.